I saw a TikTok video a few days ago in which a girl said that she asked God to show her what it would be like to be His wife. She said that she wanted to stop being with men who didn’t value her, and to expect more for herself. Within a few hours, someone gave her flowers. The following day, another person gave her a ring. There was a third overture from God, which I cannot recall. In another TikTok, a priest advised that we ask God to give us His heart.

I’ve done these things now. I started by asking God to put His heart in me. I want to see people as God sees them. I want to love others as God loves all His children. I want to stop judging others. I want to be gentle, humble and kind to all. I want to have heart of forgiveness and exude a joy of the living Christ. I want to put God first.

I felt compelled to go to Mass today. Mass is at 10 AM each weekday. I finished working out, ate breakfast, showered, and got ready for the day by which time it was 9:38. I ran up the road to the church to make 10 o’clock Mass. In Church, I asked God to show me what it would be like to be His bride, His wife. I asked God to care for me and provide for me as a husband is supposed to. The truth is, I don’t think I want a husband. I do but not the men who find me attractive at this point in my life as I just don’t feel attracted to them. The thought of having sex again – especially with an old man – doesn’t thrill me. I just don’t want to be intimate with a man that I don’t find attractive. Friendship with a man appeals to me but I’m not thrilled about the physical aspect of marriage again. It has been almost twenty years since I have had sex. The thought of having sex again, exhausts me and even disgusts me. As a survivor of sexual assault, there is a part of me that detests men who want me sexually.

I also think about becoming a religious and making growing closer to God my only priority in this last part of my life. I’ve thought about entering a convent since childhood. Today, I told God that I will become a religious if that is what He wants for me. I’m tired of asking for what I think I want. I’ve asked for a husband and family all my life. It’s never manifested. It’s too late for me to have children, and I’ve given up. I’ve surrendered my life to His will.

At the end of Mass, I was alone in the Church. The organist came back in and played the traditional recessional wedding song. Obviously, he was rehearsing for a wedding taking place sometime later in the week week. It was so funny. I think God heard me. God has a great sense of humour. The priest then came back in – he is in his eighties – and he covered his ears and grimaced at the loud organ playing. “I’m not getting married,” the priest said to me, and I smiled at him.

I wonder if I am, I thought to myself. I wonder what the plan God has for my life is.